Un-Pregnancy Brain

I came back to my blog ready to join this world again and realised that in my chaos of yet another loss, I didn't even update the blog.

They talk about 'pregnancy brain' - when you've been pregnant as many times as I have you've given away so many pf your own brain cells to children that will never use them it's insane. I have 'un-pregnancy brain.'

Anyway. I had that 2nd scan at 8 weeks, had a hugely stressful day that day, stuck in traffic late to pick up my son from school and couldnt get through for anyone to do it for me, and then I my car overheats to top it off. I was as stressed as I've ever been!

A few days later I felt that familiar feeling that I was no longer pregnant. I went in for another scan (had to force the docs to do it for me) and low and behold no heartbeat - and to make matters worse, it was measuring exactly the date of the last scan.

Did my stress out that day cause it? I will never know, but I wish someone would study that. the last 2 miscarriages have also been right around stressful situations for me, so I wonder about the validity of some kind of internal biochemical reaction - especially with the blood clotting disorder???

Something to think about for all those scientifically minded people out there.

As for now...Im contemplating getting back on that horse (literally, as our sex life as been almost non-existant these past 6 months) and trying again.

I have an appointment in a few weeks with a new RE that is supposed to be very good. I just need to be able to tell myself I did everything I could and I dont think Im ready to let this go just yet - though 40 is looming and I know that brings with it a whole other set of complications...

What's a girl to do?

2nd Scan Went Well!

Second scan the wallaby poop measured 8 weeks exactly and was moving around like a crazy thing! Heartbeat measured 169bpm.

It was great to see but right here (from 8 weeks) is where it has always gone bad for me previously. Last 2 missed miscarriages were 8 weeks 3 days and 8 weeks 5 days. I wont pretend I'm not nervous.

As I write this I am at 8 weeks 4 days and I feel fine. This is bad because fine means no nausea or sickness, and that can mean a whole host of things, most of which are not good news... we will see.

I didn't like the new doc at all. He blew off my history like I told him I'd had the flu a few times and wouldn't give me another scan in a week (something all previous docs have done with my history always being shaky in these weeks).

Frankly, if I did miscarry on the LMWH - Clexane - (Lovenox to the Americans) and baby aspirin I'm taking, it could cause all kinds of hemorrhaging problems, apparently he's not too concerned about that.

I am looking for (another!) Doctor. If this goes ahead I want to trust and like my Doc, its as simple as that. I want to feel like they have my back, aren't just doing a job. I don't feel that with him.

Hubby has visions of us ending up like Katherine Hiegal on Knocked Up - searching the world for the 'perfect' OBGYN and ending up with the hideous one we started with!

I laughed - momentarily.

And so we wait.

For $250, I Would Have Liked A Little Foreplay

Don't ya' think my uterus is sexy?

Today I went to my very high profile, expensive Doctor for a scan. He was not as pleased to see me as I had hoped he would be.

I just assumed that giving him $250 for an initial 5 minutes of conversation and a further 5 minutes of him sticking a phallic-shaped, condom covered camera up my va-jay-jay (thanks Oprah) would make him cheerful beyond measure.

From what I can tell it's a hellava lot better than anything those girls are getting down on Canterbury road for a similar experience, though I concede they don't have the Harbour views that I enjoyed during my 'special time'.

But then, what do I know?

Last time I saw him (over a year ago) he was trying to convince me to do some very expensive IVF-type option where they take my eggs, hubby's sperm and find the best of the best, and insert them into me for fertilization. His reasoning was that I keep miscarrying - no one knows why - so maybe if they select the cream of the crop it wont happen.

The problem is in all my testing, never has even one come back with any kind of chromosonal abnormality (well nothing other than the obvious - being the offspring of my husband and I it was always going to have marked physical and emotional limitations).

To me, it was a moneymaking suggestion - great for him but with no guarantee for me. So we didn't do it and apparently he's not happy. I realized exactly HOW unhappy when he said (and I quote here):

"Well, you may get a baby out of this, but it may not be the one you want."

(Referring to my age, the fact that I didn't use his selection services and as a result there may end up being something wrong with this child in some way.)

Nice.

His bedside manner could probably use a little work, but hey, who am I to judge? He's the one raking in a cool million plus a year while women like me throw our hard-earned dollars at him in a desperate bid to hear the words we want to, so he's obviously doing something right.

In the end he scanned me which it what I wanted. It's there, we saw a very faint flickering heartbeat and it was measuring 5 weeks 5 days. A little bean of a thing that looked kind of like wallaby poop.

Who knows where me and my potential little missing chromosome will go from here?

Stay tuned.

Some Things Are Just Weird

Something profound just occurred to me as I countdown for my first internal ultrasound.

If I were to try to purchase a phallic-shaped dildo, requesting it to be fitted with an internal camera so as to give anyone who chose to watch a birds-eye view of my internal bits, people would think I was some kind of weirdo.

And yet here we coiffed, perfectly well-dressed, middle class women turn up at our RE's offices and happily spread our legs for this same experience. And we usually do it while making polite conversation.

It's all about perspective isn't it?

For me though, no mater how many times I have had him visit my 'special place' the reality is, it will always be a doctor (generally male) inserting a dildo inside of me while we discuss the latest weather report.

It's just weird.

Streets Calipo

I haven't had a Calippo since I was about 14 years old. In fact I didn't even know they still existed.

All I knew is when the first bought of severe sickness hit, I remembered the flavor and knew that's what I wanted. Now.

I tried to describe the Calippo to my husband. He hadn't ever heard of them or had one. My description went something like this:

"It's thick and long, like a penis - well not all penises of course - but its lemon and sweet and cold and it would make everything feel better right now... It's called a Calipso I think."

He came home with the pack of miniture Calippos (not Calipso!) and I was horrified to see that the packs were made up of half lemon (yay!) and half orange-lime. Really? Orange-Lime? Who makes up these flavors? Why don't they just stick to what they're good at?

Anyway, it hit the spot. Here's another company I should be buying shares in, I can see my pregnancy being a profit-making venture for them in a big way. Watch the stocks soar. I should be a stock market tipster.

I Wish I Owned Stock in First Response

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the test is positive.

And at $21 for a pack of 3 I'm at about $84 in, and that's just from this month...for the ones that were positive.

It's always after the fact you think about stocks and shares. Like now with the shares in First Response.

Before, it was the company that created the karyotyping that is performed after the the D & C.  You know they take the 'products of conception' away and come back with a dissertation on its sex, age, what it would have studied in college. (OK, I exaggerate). You get my drift.

I've used that company a LOT and they charge a fortune. If only I had invested (sigh).

That's the lesson to take away from this, preempt your tragedy by investing in the high-priced scam you will be suckered into in a time of great anxiety or sorrow.

You can't say I don't give good advice.

This Month I'll Get Pregnant

How does one choose a theme background for a high-risk-pregnnancy-after-recurrent-miscarriage blog?

I've no bloody idea. As you can see I went with the 'no-bloody-idea' design.

The basics are this. I don't do pregnancy well. I'm not getting any younger (my eggs are rotting as we speak), my husband wants another kid, my 9-year-ol wants a sibling and I want my body back.

I've had 6 miscarriages in 5 years with no known reason. I've seen more doctors than Joan Rivers and we can all see how its worked out for her.

The thing is, I'm pregnant (again) and this one just might stick, so you may as well come on the journey with me, my husband travels a lot so I have no one else to bitch to.

PS. This is the date I have chosen to start the blog because its the date we did the deed that got me pregnant. I want it burned into all our minds for all of eternity.

You're welcome.